LYRICS

[Intro | style: Rap, mid-tempo boom-bap | voice: male | cadence/SPM: 190–210]
House lights down, mic check, irony set,
I’ve read the lot—still waiting on evidence.
If there’s a god, He knows I’m not impressed;
If there isn’t, well… that explains the mess.
[Verse 1]
I read the Bible, front to back, like notes for a set,
Genesis start—talking snakes, I’m like “cool, what’s next?”
Then Exodus—“Thou shalt not…” list drops in stone,
But the same book’s got “owning people” baked in the tone.
Leviticus throws rules like confetti in a storm,
Mixed fabrics, food laws—ancient life, uniform.
Then “eye for eye” rings out, strict, severe,
While modern London’s got cameras on every pier.
I read the Tanakh too—same roots, different lens,
Covenant, kings, commandments, war stories, amens.
Then flip to the New—love thy neighbour, sounds sweet,
But eternal hellfire’s a hell of a sales pitch to repeat.
And I’m sat there, pen out, doing what comics do:
If it’s a claim about reality—show me the proof, not “true”.
[Pre-Chorus]
Timing is everything—pause… let it breathe,
I’m not mocking a person; I’m testing belief.
Taboo’s not a shield when a story won’t stand,
If you want my respect—bring evidence in hand.
[Chorus]
I read it, I read it—faith’s a big claim on a mic,
But claims need receipts if they’re asking for life.
You can’t call it sacred and dodge the debate,
I’m laughing at dogma, not hating your mates.
If it’s true, it’s true—it won’t fear what I say;
If it’s not, it’s just jokes… and we move on today.
[Verse 2]
I read the Qur’an—rhythm, warning, the judgement day,
Mercy on one line, then punishments hard the next way.
One verse says “no compulsion in religion” (that’s clear),
Another talks fighting—context matters, but it’s still here.
Hadith talk details, laws for a different age,
While I’m on the Tube scrolling news like it’s front-page rage.
Hindu texts? A universe huge, cycles, gods in a swarm,
Then caste in the culture—old hierarchy wearing new form.
Buddhist angle: less god, more mind, less “boss in the sky,”
But even then—institutions creep in, same human try.
Miracles everywhere—seas part, virgins give birth,
Night journeys, resurrections—big swings for the Earth.
Yet religions can’t agree on the basics they sell:
One god, many gods, no god, heaven, hell.
So I do the comic maths—setup, premise, conclude:
If you all can’t be right, odds are none of you proved.
And here’s the line I’ve said on stage, plain, no disguise:
“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”
[Pre-Chorus]
I’m a bloke with a microphone, not a priest in a robe,
I punch up at power and the stories it sold.
If your god’s all-mighty, He’ll cope with a gag,
And if He can’t take a joke—He’s not much of a dad.
[Chorus]
I read it, I read it—faith’s a big claim on a mic,
But claims need receipts if they’re asking for life.
You can’t call it sacred and dodge the debate,
I’m laughing at dogma, not hating your mates.
If it’s true, it’s true—it won’t fear what I say;
If it’s not, it’s just jokes… and we move on today.
[Bridge]
Modern life, ancient rules—tell me how that won’t clash:
Women as property then? Now we call that trash.
Gay love called “sin” in ink from a harsher time,
While we’re out here trying to live decent lives.
Politics wants a sermon, the crowd wants a fight,
But I’d rather have reason than tribal “I’m right”.
Morality’s not magic—empathy’s not a spell,
Do good now, for the living, not points for a bell.
And if I sound sharp, it’s craft—satire’s a tool:
Trim the claim to the bone, see if it still stands up in school.
[Chorus]
I read it, I read it—faith’s a big claim on a mic,
But claims need receipts if they’re asking for life.
You can’t call it sacred and dodge the debate,
I’m laughing at dogma, not hating your mates.
If it’s true, it’s true—it won’t fear what I say;
If it’s not, it’s just jokes… and we move on today.
[Outro]
No altar call—just a closer, deadpan and plain:
Extraordinary claims need extraordinary proof, mate.
Be kind, be curious, let certainty wait—
Now clap on the laugh… and don’t confuse it with hate.